My Story

The Blessed And Unstoppable

The Blessed and Unstoppable title came from the vision board I created some time ago. It is still hanging above my desk. In my darkest hours of doubts and fears, I would look at those words and photos and envision becoming it: the blessed and unstoppable. Over and over again. Until it became reality.

I am Christian, and believe in God, I also think that spirituality does not have to be about religion only, as Dr. Maya Spencer says: “Spirituality involves the recognition of a feeling or sense or belief that there is something greater than myself, something more to being human than sensory experience, and that the greater whole of which we are part is cosmic or divine in nature.”

The poems I wrote are my way of telling MY STORY and becoming The Blessed and Unstoppable…I am still working on it.

Denial, Anger, Guilt

The poetry is grouped into three chronological and thematic groups loosely connected to “the stages of grief”. They can be read in any order. In any big life-changing situation most of us are going through all, or some of those stages. Although those stages may have some common elements, they are also very personal and individual. Denial and guilt were the hardest for me to deal with, the old “why me?” mindset kept coming back until I changed my narrative and truly believed in ‘why not me!’ My reason is: to grow, develop and live my true life’s purpose – to share information and inspire people who may be going through something similar.

The White Hallways

I look around
The white coats, the white lights, the antiseptic smell
There is a voice talking to me
The words are incomprehensible, yet clear and as heavy as chains
I see a mouth opening but I don’t hear anything anymore
The room is spinning around me
This is not real, this must be a nightmare

Love On The Brain

The white hallways are decked in Christmas colors
I was packing the gifts for my kids just the day before
I am wheeled in somewhere cold and sterile with lots of cold lights
Several pairs of kind eyes are getting busy around me
I am not sure what am I doing there

Choices

There are choices to be made
There are so many roads that could be taken
I am troubled
But so many angels crossed my path and whispered in my ear
I let some of the voices in
I hear my own voice the loudest

Sadness, Anxiety, Bargaining

The sadness and anxiety were somewhat new emotions for me as they were so contrary to who I was before the “tsunami” hit me. It was the most difficult phase to go through as I didn’t allow myself to feel and be vulnerable and kept my ‘always positive persona’ at all times. That caused my anxiety to spin even further. Finally I realized what a waste of energy that had been and I chose instead to be authentic and speak my truth.

The Walls

The walls of my bedroom are closing in on me, again
There is a lump in my throat, I can’t breath
I need to get away
There is a hand choking me

Dance

I am waking the hallways of my building
as prescribed
Back and forth, back and forth
I need to get strong again
One of my guardian angels is walking with me

Crossroads

Decisions again, choices,
follow ups, therapies
Worries, fears, anxieties,
crossroads

Roller Coaster

I never liked roller coasters
In fact, I hated them
When riding them, my stomach would drop, and my heart would pound like crazy,
I saw nothing appealing in the ride

Healing

I fly through the months of follow up therapy
Not because it’s easy, but because the universe made it easy for me
Every time, the room is full of people
Their eyes show everything, heavy burdens, stigma,
fear, pain, worries, hope

Spinning

Large airy room, anxiety management group class
Trying to relax, but feel like I am choking
and I am shaking
and ready to scream
Who took my life away from me?

Growing

Learning, praying, reading, taking classes, growing
Moving one step forward every day
Healing trips, retreats, cookouts
Spiritual awakening, churches, monasteries
Growing…
Hiding tears, laughing
All is well

Acceptance, Letting Go, Moving On

Accepting my circumstances, making the best out of them and allowing myself to live in the now, at the present, enabled me to let go of the past and move on into Living Today! It took years of hard work, self-reflection, prayers, and other healing modalities, but it has been such a rewarding experience, all of it! I am deeply grateful to be able to look back and share my story, hoping to ease someone’s pain and provide inspiration and guidance.

“Gratitude turns what we have into ENOUGH” – Anonymous