The walls of my bedroom are closing in on me, again
There is a lump in my throat, I can’t breath
I need to get away
There is a hand choking me
I need to do something quickly
I look at the mirror
The hand is mine
I pray and wait
The hand is slowly released
Breathing again, at least for another day
I am waking the hallways of my building as prescribed
Back and forth, back and forth
I need to get strong again
One of my guardian angels is walking with me
I am tired but determined to fulfill my promise:
I am going to dance a full fitness dance class a month from now
I kept my promise
Music and dance are healing
So is faith
Decisions, choices, follow ups
Worries, fears, anxieties, crossroads
Trip to the island, marriage renewal vows, party, presents
It is all a blur for me, but I keep smiling
Many dear faces around me, happy but worried,
My priest is praying over me and he never stopped
I am going through the motions but I am not really there
Who’s party is this?
Agonizing thoughts, sleepless nights
Follow up, decision made
I am brave I say to myself
I’ll try my luck and roll the dice
Lucky! My number.
Blessed.
I never liked roller coasters
In fact, I hated them
When riding them, my stomach would drop, and my heart would pound like crazy,
I saw nothing appealing in the ride
I saw no thrill in being thrown high up and down and being scared
Little did I know that my life would be a series of roller coaster rides
I would go up, up, up and crash suddenly, down with full force
I would be screaming my heart out, putting my hands up in surrender
I would pray to God to get off unharmed and alive at the end
I would be wobbly and shaky when I got off and swear never to ride it again
Until a new ride presented itself and I would have to face my fears all over again
Now I am at another peak of the ride
looking down the steep metal frame
Wondering if the construction will hold
and where I will go when I get off it
Anxiety.
I fly through the months of follow up therapy
Not because it’s easy, but because the universe made it easy for me
Every time, the room is full of people
Their eyes show everything, heavy burdens, stigma,
fear, pain, worries, hope
We are all so similar at those moments
Another guardian angel enters my life
she takes care of me
After every round, I rest for a bit and go out walking
and I walk and dance and go out again and laugh a lot
And again and again
The picture I portray for my kids, friends and family
is bright and sunny
and of course positive
They must not know that I am worried and scared
and living someone’s else life
Hoping to somehow get back to mine
Large airy room, anxiety management group class
Trying to relax, but feels like I am choking and I am shaking
and ready to scream
Who took my life away from me?
I want to live, I need to live, my kids need me,
my husband needs me,
I have so much to give
God please keep me alive
And he hears me.