Roller Coaster

I never liked roller coasters

In fact, I hated them

When riding them, my stomach would drop, and my heart would pound like crazy,
I saw nothing appealing in the ride
I saw no thrill in being thrown high up and down and being scared
Little did I know that my life would be a series of roller coaster rides
I would go up, up, up and crash suddenly, down with full force
I would be screaming my heart out, putting my hands up in surrender
I would pray to God to get off unharmed and alive at the end
I would be wobbly and shaky when I got off and swear never to ride it again
Until a new ride presented itself and I would have to face my fears all over again
Now I am at another peak of the ride

looking down the steep metal frame
Wondering if the construction will hold

and where I will go when I get off it
Anxiety.

Healing

I fly through the months of follow up therapy
Not because it’s easy, but because the universe made it easy for me
Every time, the room is full of people
Their eyes show everything, heavy burdens, stigma,
fear, pain, worries, hope
We are all so similar at those moments

Another guardian angel enters my life

she takes care of me
After every round, I rest for a bit  and go out walking
and I walk and dance and go out again and laugh a lot
And again and again
The picture I portray for my kids, friends and family

is bright and sunny
and of course positive
They must not know that I am worried and scared

and living someone’s else life

 Hoping to somehow get back to mine

Spinning

Large airy room, anxiety management group class

Trying to relax, but feels like I am choking and I am shaking
and ready to scream
Who took my life away from me?
I want to live, I need to live, my kids need me,

my husband needs me,
I have so much to give
God please keep me alive
And he hears me.

Growing

Learning, praying, reading, taking classes, growing
Moving one step forward every day
Healing trips, retreats, cookouts
Spiritual awakening, churches, monasteries
Growing
Hiding tears, laughing
All is well
I am strong, no one is tougher than me
Gloria Gaynor sings on the radio my old anthem ‘I Will Survive’
And I am trying to convince myself its true
My girls can never know that I am scared sometimes
Positivity, ohh it’s so exhausting